Advantage Empire announces the deal of the 21st century!

If you’re the one who thought you had everything, think again. With that $25 million you’ve got lying around the house, you can have your very own war! Yes!!! Be one of the first on your block. Put your name on a war, and it will shine forever. There is no greater honor than writing one’s name among the wars. Your name can sparkle overhead with some of the costliest wars of our lifetime.

Here’s all you have to do to get yours:

First, donate directly to a presidential candidate, which will guarantee you access after the election. Then, immediately upon occupying the Oval Office, leverage your investment by insisting the Commander in Chief appoint your hand-picked war hawk to the non-elected position of National Security Advisor. (If your POTUS has an “R” after the last name, rest assured you’ll have a leader who will put the “brief” back into intelligence briefings. Still, though they are slower to come around, you can count on the “D” Team to launch some spectacular invasions as well.)

So, you’re probably wondering how the American public will go along with another war, as they seem to have lost interest in the ones they already have, eh? Well that may well be, but surely you’re not prone to pessimism and thinking “eight is enough,” are you?

Buck up, dear billionaire! We at Advantage Empire want to remind you there’s nothing like a brand new war. It can give you a new lease on life. Bored with the War on Iraq? Try Iran! All we have to do is run a new provocation up the false-flag pole. It’s that easy. You know, WMDs, babies being ripped out of incubators and thrown on the floor, that kind of thing. We’ll dream up something.

And don’t sweat the soldiers, either. At Advantage Empire, we’ve got you covered. Sure 500,000 seems like a big number, but you must understand that America’s most cherished allies in the region can be counted on to help you out. You’ll be comforted knowing that a former Secretary of Defense, who served under both Republican and Democratic administrations, has assured us that Israel and Saudi Arabia “want to fight the Iranians to the last American.”

Now that’s putting America first!

Whatever you do, don’t screen yourself out of this great opportunity to become an armchair general. At Advantage Empire, every billionaire is treated with dignity and respect, irrespective of background checks. Your (t)reason for desiring war is your own personal business. In fact, we have one client who has publicly admitted regret that he served in the U.S. Army and now wishes he had served in a foreign government’s army instead. (Judge not, however, for it is said he was raised as an “addled son.”) And we’re “this close” to getting him a war!
Ah yes, just imagine sitting back and watching your very own war on TV. And think of the envy you’ll inspire at cocktail parties from your neocon and neolib pals.

So just how confident are we at Advantage Empire that you’ll get your new war? Hey, if it worked with President Cheney, then it will work with President Bolton, too. And this time ‘round, as an added bonus, we’ll throw in two citizenships—such a “dual”!—for the price of one.

Terms and Conditions: Suggested donation $25 million, but no billionaire turned away. Offer ends November 3, 2020.

“Earning your trust one coup at a time, we’re Advantage Empire, where ethnic cleansiness is next to Godliness.